Forgiveness
2006-01-06 / 7:45 p.m.


Even though school has started since two days ago, this whole week I have been unable to sleep before 5AM strikes.
Surviving school days with the current affairs makes my heart shrink into such a little size already, that the added toxic shock from two days ago and the hormonal imbalance from the limited sleep makes the school days even more ... I don't think there's any word in the English dictionary to describe it accurately. Manic is probably the closest word. Just, in school, sometimes I feel so sad I'm convinced I would cry, sometimes I feel so happy I could appreciate everything and even the seagulls in Graveney's ecosystem, and sometimes I just feel slightly uncontrollable ... laughing to really no ends, zoning out, falling asleep one minute and be as awake as ever in the next.
I was scared that if this behaviour continues I will doubtlessly fail my module and my mocks. Oh lordy.
But after today, maybe, maybe, maybe I can get to sleep earlier =).

Forgiveness is a translucent word in my dictionary. Even at necessary situations, second chances are a rarity. It's a bad thing, but though I know this, I don't find it in me to change it. Until now.
I found that I have became quite willing to change to a more forgiving person; ever since the separation with Alex I have learnt so much when I overview the relationship, and becoming slightly more forgiving is one of them. Still, it is not in my nature to forgive, but I have been doing it more, and hopefully that could grow =).

In chronological order of events that happened today, I'm making a note on these following people:

Adam
Adam isn't the most forgiving person I have ever met, but he is the person that forgives me the most, small things and very, very serious things. Adam's forgiveness for me is one of the things I value very much =).
He has recently forgave me for a lie that I would not expect anyone to forgive, not even him. It was a shock to witness this, but then again, his whole existence in my world is a shock.
Adam is the most significant individual to me, he is really very amazing and incredible. I honestly didn't think men that incredible existed; until Adam defied this rule.
Thankyou so, so much. Thankyou for your forgiveness about the recent event. No, I thank you for all your forgiveness ever since we met.
(Wow, I rhymed!)

Sam
Threatening, blackmailing, tampering with life, disrupting with the natural order of events...
These are the things I had done directly to him, and everything else that is horrid I did, he forgave.
Fleeting moments before I go to bed I wonder why, over and over again, how he can forgive such things ... how can anyone?! I know that if these things are done upon me, even with huge gaps in between, I cannot find it in myself to overlook it and forgive (although there has been one or two exceptions). Let alone, doing it almost simaultaneously - the way I did it to him.
I'm told constantly about his nature of forgiving and calmity, even way before I properly knew him, but, how can someone be that forgiving? His forgiveness seem natural but unreal, and like with every new person I meet, I ask around about them, and people just say,
"He's just like that."
Even so, genuine or ulterior motive, at this moment, I am grateful for his forgiveness, and that although I had committed those abhorrent acts, he does not see any lesser of me.
Thankyou, with all my gratitude.

Patrick
After about four months of silence, last night I was revisiting my memory and I recollected the days when we were really good friends, to the point that embarrassment doesn't exist between us. I remembered the chats about his brother's late puberty, the water mist thingy, the zoo, the ging pigeon in Trafalguar Square.
Then I thought, what a precious connection I threw away =(.
Today I approached Patrick, dead scared but determind, and humbly apologised. I did not ask for total forgiveness but the least I want him to be aware of is that I am very, very sorry. Partially for my rapidfire assumptions back in September, mainly for throwing away what we had.
He responded in a witty way, which I guess, conveys relaxation to an extent. I don't know his sub-textual thoughts, and he probably had a lot at that point, but on the surface everything was good and that is what he chose to deliver, I took it that way =).
Nonetheless, a weight has been lifted off my heart. Relief.
Even though you probably won't read this anymore, thankyou for accepting my apology today.

Sarah
Forgiveness isn't the topic. It's nowhere near forgiveness. I don't know what it is that overfilled me with positivity after school, but I hope I'm not reading too deep into it.
After school when I came out of Drama with Toby (last; I'm always last to leave classrooms, I don't get it), Sarah Matt Mahuel and Allan were there waiting for me, like usual. At first I was like, wtf?, and as I walked up to Sarah with questioning eyes, she hugged me. Wow, I haven't smelt her for so long, and it was definitely comforting. We hugged, talked, walked. Things were nearly exactly the same apart from a ominous distance between us, but it was almost not there.
I understand that, just because affections are shown at the end of school today, no trust is regained and nothing has changed, but she has done it so there would be no harsh feelings.
I am very proud of her, because it was a step with bravery, and even though nothing is different, it made me so mightily happy =).
Thankyou so much Sarah =).

Alex
After dinner I came upstairs to my phone finding a missed call from him. For about 10 seconds I thought my lack of sleep has taken away my sanity completely, but I rang him back anyway, and he explained that all he needs to say is in the voicemail. After I hung up, the alert for a new voicemail was received.
His voice ... although he is in my form I realised I haven't listened to his voice for a long, long time. As usual, I can't make out exactly what he says in voicemails just like the way I can't make out his handwriting. The first thing he said was that he heard about me and Sam and that he wants us to be happy =). What a blessing =). He immediately moved on to talking about the small incident today.
As said earlier, I am always the last to leave the classroom. Alex is in my form and so, when we all cleared off the door this morning I noticed that his cardigan hoodie thing is still hung on his chair. I just thought,
"Oh noo, he will be so cold."
So I took it with me and planned on giving it to him when I see his group gather outside Red House. Just before I leave the building, I see Alex running back, obviously realising he forgot his hoodie. I held it out for him and he said a casual thankyou, running off again. I thought, ahh that was quite nice.
He addressed it in the voicemail, saying that when he received his hoodie, he realised that maybe he has been paranoid about me hating him ... and then something else he said I cannot dictate ... and I think he said, he doesn't hate me too =). Or, I hope he had said that. He apologised.
Wow, I just feel like, a big heavy boulder pressing into my heart for so long has been lifted. Maybe I was looking for forgiveness all along, be it receiving or giving forgiveness, that element was present. Now that we have forgiven, both of us can get on with life, without that dark patch that was waiting to be removed for so, so long.
Again, Alex may not read this blog anymore but if one day he ever comes across this entry,
Thankyou.
Admittedly some of the days we spent together were not the happiest and lots of pain were caused, I still want thank you for everything =). Everything.

I could be naive in thinking all of these are coming out of genuinity, but even so, I'd prefer to read it that way than to figure out that there is something behind it all.
I was talking to Emily about it, and my lord, I felt so light afterwards. I feel truly happy and grateful. In the midst of all this mess now, I'm glad something relieving has happened =). It is doubtless that there may be more sinister issues ahead, and I know that if today's events weren't realised and/or didn't happen, the strength I have now in facing those more sinister situations may not be as strong, or maybe non-existent at all.

But after today, maybe, maybe, maybe I can get to sleep earlier =).

contented thy poor drudge to be says:
[you are] truly a woman of integrity :)



♥ Joey



Previous entries:

My brother's 18th! - 2006-06-12

No more exams! - 2006-06-10

Two more exams left! - 2006-06-07

Game Maniac - 2006-06-04

Antipication of no exams. - 2006-06-02



More entries could be found here.