A better/worse sleep than usual.
2006-01-13 / 10:57 p.m.
And when I got home I haven't felt so sleepy in my life. Tears were oozing out of my eyes, dying to be closed for a while. What I saw was too much today, my eyes tell me,
"Please, please can I rest a bit, just a bit?"
I got home, said hello to my mother, went upstairs to my dark room, took off all my clothes and crawled into my sweet pink bed of mismatching covers and sheets. As soon as the back of my head touched the pillow I fell right into deep sleep.
I woke up five minutes before now, eyes suddenly darting open and sat right up. That sleep felt extraordinary. Not just because it's long, but ... I don't know? I think it is because I was so truly exhausted. But still ... more than anything. I wanted to evade those thoughts as my whole body sunk in to the softness around me, even if I had to do it on my hands and knees.
For one thing, I was breathing more easily than I had been even yesterday.
(I have been breathing violently more than any night recently, but that is another thing.)
I was sick to death at the prospect of more suffocatingly lonely nights. The idea that they would be repeated, and they will, that that was just how life is, made me shudder with horror. Still, having tasted for myself that moment when I suddenly could breathe easy again made my heart beat faster. Thankyou so much, Adam. Man, I owe you.
And, my lord, I feel so dehydrated right now. I am not to any extent at all surprised; it is to be expected. I am heading for the sixth glass of water for tonight.
I couldn't go over today. For the most of lunch my determination fled far far away from me, and I couldn't find it. I didn't want to go over and spoil the air of laughter around. I saw people cracking jokes and laughing and talking, and I couldn't be so unwelcomming to take that away from them.
"He is waiting for you. His whole body language is screaming out that he is waiting for you. Go over."
After school, contradicting the mood of today, was a happy walk home.
I laughed in a way today that I haven't laughed for in so ancient times. I haven't laughed so truly genuinely for months. I cannot describe it too well, I just know they are significantly different from my other laughs. They are laughter I cannot hold or hide or dim down; it isn't laughter out of something I found funny or something I found cute. It's a different type of laughter, one I have only laughed with another person, a very very long time ago. There is no other laugh like that; it is one that I cannot replicate.
Today, I laughed like that again, and it feels very good to be able to do it, to revisit; for I honestly believed I could never touch that side of me ever again, and to laugh like that ever, ever again.
Did you know that the type of people that amaze me the most are acrobats?
Seeing them walk in wires, juggle with balls in the tens unit, jump so high your neck strains to follow them.
I forgot to say,
Mr Maric wasn't in for period 5 today, I was quite wondering why the classrooms weren't lit from the view outside when I looked up from running late, expecting to see Amaya and Hannah on the window. Toby was by the door to greet me, Nathaniel and Rajan hanging around inside. Drama remains to cheer me up doubtlessly; Nathaniel and his classical peer-pressure lines, oh my lord =D ... holding up a cigar,
"Come on, try it once ... just once is no harm."
The irony makes my eyes squint so small from laughing everytime he says it in that whispering villainous voice, but it's nothing compared to Toby's reaction, whose stomache hurts from it.
♥ Joey
Previous entries:
My brother's 18th! - 2006-06-12
No more exams! - 2006-06-10
Two more exams left! - 2006-06-07
Game Maniac - 2006-06-04
Antipication of no exams. - 2006-06-02
More entries could be found here.
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