Coming Out to The Skin
2006-01-15 / 2:09 p.m.
I slept at 2:30AM last night with my eyes begging to be shut again. It's strange, they usually don't find the urge to close until about 5AM. I don't know what that means but hey, as long as I get to sleep early; everyone has been trying to make me get to sleep earlier, but I find it impossible to do. Not that I don't want to, but because my body doesn't want to. Except from last night. Last night surprised me.
And then I woke up exactly nine minutes ago. Almost 12 hours sleep. Wow, what has been consuming me so much that I need this amount of rest? I don't remember doing any extreme sports or getting up to brain-cell-eliminating tasks, so the tiredness is a mystery to me.
The first thought I had when I woke up was,
"Have I gone blind yet?"
To which I haven't, and that is brilliant. The reason why my eye is semi-bloodshot makes me so puzzled. Or rather, lack of reason. My father thinks it is because of the swimming pool, my mother blames my eyeliner, and Sam thinks it is just my lack of sleep. And I personally don't think it is any of those, but I have no idea to how my eye is like that.
The strange thing is that it doesn't hurt or itch, but the most strange thing is that, unlike most average bloodshot eyes, it doesn't fill up all the white or partial white. It is a rectangular shape right in between two spaces of white. Two nights ago it was just a red dot, and I thought maybe it was the vein going spastic, but yesterday morning I looked in the mirror and was like,
"Oh my lord, don't tell me this is the mess that came from that little dot!!"
It grew overnight, and took the shape of a rectangle. Through-out yesterday it grew more, and it is still growing. Right now the blood had spread its way to my pupil, forming a red curve around, because for some reason by pupil is saying no to the blood's entry (there may be a scientific reason for this but I'm too dumb to know) and the blood is just settling there, or maybe curving around my pupil slowly; I guess I'll see tonight. Mmm, I must get it checked out.
The first sensation I had when I woke up was, something I've been waking up with recently, a stomache pain. I am eating breakfast right now and it is still lurking a bit, but I know for fact that it will calm down later in the day until I have my next meal.
The first thing I did I woke up was, feeling that eruption in my throat and running across the hall to the bathroom sink, coughing up blood. All over again.
Sometimes I really wonder why, even though I am fully aware of hese consequences, that I still go ahead to commit the things. Maybe because I don't care about myself, maybe because I feel it needs to be done and I deserve the consequences, or maybe that my rapidfire personality just takes things too far.
I need to work on building more integrity.
Yesterday we spent two hours in the music room. Sometimes he would be playing around with the media files on his computer and I would be playing my song and trying to remember bits from other piano pieces. Then sometimes he would be trying to remember his own music and I would be looking through his sister's many sonata and nocturne collections, and admiring, and saying,
"I can play this."
or,
"This is too difficult, look at the key signiture..."
He said he couldn't play the piano, and listening to him play with the unequal strength on his fingers and the unrhymthic way the notes fit together, I can tell that what he said is quite right. Although looking at his fingering on the piano, I can tell that he has been taught before - and he has, but only vaguely and a long, long time ago.
There are two ways to remembering a piece of music for a pianist.
One is where you have no idea what you are playing, don't even know the key or the time signiture, thoughtless about which note your finger is pressing next. But the hands know where they go. The pianst may have played this piece so much in the past that although semantically they don't remember anything about it, their fingers have gotten so used to playing it, that they naturally play the correct notes in the correct key in the correct time.
The other way is they know how it goes; they can hum out the tune. If the pianist is gifted with music then they will know approximately where the next note is, because they know which notes produce which sound, and if they have the sound in their heads, then it is the matter of finding the correct white or black key to press.
He was doing that one. He had the tune on his head and as I search through the old string-held piano books, I heard him miss the correct note, then pressing the higher or lower note to correct it.
He eventually got it in the end, and hearing him play the full music was quite astonishing.
We sat down on the piano stall together and he played me twice the sequence I need to play. As I recited it, he put his hands firmly on the keys two octaves higher than where my hand is and played away, in sync and in key to my sequence. It appeared that we were playing a duet.
If you know one of my wishes, you would understand why I was laughing, in that way again, so much when he taught me a second piece, and then we played it together again.
Piano music that we produced dance their ways into our ears; I was laughing like that and he himself had a smile on his face, different to his social smiles and grins.
My perfect partner will need to know how the play the piano, so he can play duets with me. That is the wish. I wished to find a partner that can play piano, playing duets with his hands alongside my hands.
He has no idea about this - quite very few people do - so when he came up with the duet idea, it made me so much more surprised and ecstatic than I would be, providing that I would be overjoyed already. It's not a big secret or anything - I just find this fact too trivial to contribute to any kind of conversation.
Alex was musical, but he didn't play the piano, he played the guitar instead.
"I know I won't be leaving here ... I know I won't be leaving here."
Recently this line has been bouncing around my memory. I hear it in my head with Adam and Michael Eastwood's voice singing it. I didn't know what song it is or who sang it [until Adam told me], but my brain remembers their voices incooperated with those words, and it just keeps randomly popping up in my brain.
A less significant line they also sang comes out every now and then, though not as much as the other one,
"I was so high I did not recognise, the fire burning ....."
Then I forgot the rest of the line; the tune is still in my head though. Once it came up in Sam's media player, and I was like,
":O:O:O! Adam and Michael sang this!"
And honestly, hearing the original version, I decided [without bias] that Adam and Michael sang it better than the voice from Maroon 5.
The first time these songs popped into my brain recently I had no idea where they came from, I thought I heard them inside HMV or something, but as they play themselves more and more in my head I began to articulate that this voice is Adam's smooth singing voice, and the other voice would be none other than Michael's, because, although Michael Eastwood's voice isn't a 'common voice', I have not heard it enough to be sure it was him; but I know it is him because the only time Adam sang was with him.
I believe in the principle that,
when one loses something important, they will gain something of equal importance.
♥ Joey
Previous entries:
My brother's 18th! - 2006-06-12
No more exams! - 2006-06-10
Two more exams left! - 2006-06-07
Game Maniac - 2006-06-04
Antipication of no exams. - 2006-06-02
More entries could be found here.
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